Of all the questions I get asked by women who have experienced Betrayal
Trauma, the most common is: “Will I ever trust my spouse again?”
Let me start by saying, broken trust can be as obvious as infidelity, or more
subtle, as withholding information that is important in a relationship.
Betrayal is the breaking of an implicit or explicit agreement that is
considered vital to the integrity or safety of a relationship.
Secondly, note that while forgiveness is something we give, trust is
something that has to be earned.
Forgiveness must be freely given when an agreement has been broken,
regardless of the other person’s behaviour, because it frees us to move
from victim to empowered.
Trust, on the other hand, should never be blindly given.
Trust MUST be earned, based on a person’s integral behaviour…and this is
certainly true after D-Day.
After the betrayal of trust, a repentant spouse has to be consistent in
behaviours that assure integrity, sincere care and concern for their spouse
and responsibility for the trauma their betrayal has created.
Let’s look at what Devoted by Leon Fontaine (February 17, 2023) had to
say about trust…
Today I’m going to talk about a skill we all need if we want to have
great relationships: how to judge people correctly.
You’re probably thinking, “Hey, I thought we weren’t supposed to
judge people!” And you’re right… if we’re talking about judging
people’s motives.
But there is a type of judging that we absolutely need to do!
Let’s say you’re looking for a babysitter. The first candidate you
interview lives just down the street. She’s been arrested a couple of
times for drug possession and she was fired from her last job for
stealing money. Should you let her babysit for you?
The truth is, the Bible doesn’t say that we should just trust people
blindly. It would be irresponsible to not take a good look at this
woman’s track record before allowing her free access your kids.
Don’t get me wrong; the Bible is clear that judging others’ hearts will
bring pain into our lives. However, the Bible is also clear that we are
to look at the fruit in people’s lives. In other words, we are
supposed to judge people’s track records.
What people DO is a much better indicator of future behaviour than what
they say or how they make you feel, so never apologize for making people
earn your trust.
Sadly, a spouse that has broken trust will have to work very hard to regain
trust by DOING the next right thing, no matter their spouse’s response.
The good news is, integral consistency will produce the safety that trust
requires.
It can take us several months or even years to fully rebuild trust,
depending on the depth of wounding and the personalities involved but with
intentional effort, trust CAN be rebuilt…and can actually be stronger than it
was before the betrayal took place.
Over the next few newsletters, I will be talking about things your partner
needs to do to rebuild the trust and things you can do to make the journey
easier for you both.
If you and your spouse are in need of rebuilding trust, we implore you not to
try to journey alone.
A couple whose trust is shattered needs the guidance, support and over-sight of a trusted specialist in order to remain grounded, resilient and fully
rebuild.
If your marriage is in need of a trust rebuild, we would love to walk with you
and your spouse through our six month Rebuild Trust & Connection Package.
