I just celebrated my 65th birthday! Don’t ask me how I got here? It seems just yesterday, I was a naive child, a youth pushing the parameters, a young adult travelling the world, an excited new bride, a proud new mom, an anticipating new teacher, a doting new grandmother, a new …
Turning 65 has made me very nostalgic…
As I reflected on God’s goodness over my 65 years, and as I worked to make content for my website redo, I felt prompted to share our story as an encouragement to you, so here it is…
Never give up!
Brian and I began our marriage with broken trust forty-three years ago. I got pregnant before we were married (sex before marriage is NEVER a good idea). Just before we were married, I woke crying from a vivid dream that Brian had been unfaithful to me. When I queried Brian, he assured me that my fears were unfounded, but the dream left me shaken and skeptical. In our first year of marriage, Brian shared the truth of his betrayal with me, ratifying the reliability of my dream. Because I didn’t know what to do with the information, I just stuffed it.
After all, Brian was a committed partner, a loving father-and just an all-around great guy, whom everyone loved. He opened my doors, helped me put on my coat, brought me coffees in the mornings and looked at me from across the room, with dreamy, love-struck eyes. And that went on for 25+ years. What gal wouldn’t want that!
What I didn’t know, was that Brian had a secret struggle-LUST. It was a paradigm that had been groomed long before he met me, by his own childhood insecurities, the culture he grew in, and his friends and family of impact. He was born into the sexual revolution era and very beautiful girl required a second (or third, or fourth) look, and not for the purpose of thanking God for his creation. And as is the common pattern, with that struggle, came more betrayals - and SHAME - for both of us.
The puzzling thing was, I had never seen his eyes wander. I had never heard him objectify or degrade women. You can imagine my surprise and my shock when the final D-day hit, and I found porn saturating his phone.
We had some very broken years. There was always the gnawing feeling that I wasn’t enough. The relentless turmoil within, and the silent scream, “Why, if he truly loved me, did he…?” catapulting into an endless void. The ensuing inner battles turned into battles between us, fed by my feelings of disappointment, disrespect and antagonism - driving Brian further into his shame and us further into disconnect and despair.
We finally came to the end of ourselves and said, “what we’re doing isn’t working. Something needs to change. We both got to work. I learned to realize I was not the cause of the betrayal, and to face reality with courage and grace. Brian learned to be 100 % transparent and vulnerable. He learned to recognize where his struggles came from, and how to slay them with confidence. Together we learned to set fences around ourselves, and our marriage, to keep everyone safe and growing.
Changing long established patterns is not a battle you can win alone. We tried everything. We visited counsellors. We poured over books. We listened to podcasts. We confided in friends. We learned. We understood. We talked. We tried. We failed. We distanced. We came together again. We understood more. We started over. We gave more. We failed again. But eventually we triumphed more. Hearts were less shattered. We were less estranged. Brokenness was less frequent. Times of distancing were less straining. We became more accepting of our human frailties and more cognizant of what was needed to put our past behind us and to change our future. We learned what it meant to “Love God’s Way!”
Today we know the power of redeeming love and redemptive grace. Forty plus years later, we get to enjoy the absolute blessing of sharing life together with our ‘not so perfect’ family - two amazing children who have blessed our couple-ship over and over, their supportive partners, and best of all, our six incredible, uniquely different, grandchildren! There is no greater satisfaction than looking at the hard work we have done, and the destiny we’ve created. Today, our passion is helping individuals and couples who have faced the heartache of betrayal, but who are determined to heal and restore. We tell them the journey is hard, but so worth it! We encourage them not to try to walk the journey alone but to seek guidance, support and accountability from trained veterans who have walked the road before them. We assure them, they WILL create a destiny they are proud of, if they continue in their process, God’s way!
If our story resonates with you and you’re ready to re-write your life story so that it aligns with God’s plan for your life, whether individually or together as a couple, I encourage you to reach out…we would love to journey with you!
Hugs & Blessings,
Bonnie 😊