1. Your sexual life tends toward extremes.
He is either hyper-sexual and coercive (i.e. tries to get you to do things you don’t want to do), or he is completely disinterested in sex; claiming fatigue or stress.You may feel that your husband is ‘not there’ when you are having sex.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
38% of porn addicts experience erectile dysfunction. This is a result of the mind acclimatizing to the unnaturally high levels of dopamine that porn produces so that sex with you is no longer arousing.
3. He is very possessive of his cell phone and it never leaves his side; if you so much as pick it up, he rages at you. He has multiple phone numbers and email addresses.
Like a dog with his food, an addict will bark if you get close to discovering his secret4. Your husband spends excessive amount of time online at times (you and the kids are in bed) or in locations (in his study/office out of view of the family) that are inaccessible to you. Addiction creates a need for more and more. He may know that you don’t like him viewing porn but he still needs his drug, so he will find ways to get high without you knowing reach out and get in touch.
4. Your husband spends excessive amount of time online at times (you and the
kids are in bed) or in locations (in his study/office out of view of the family) that
are inaccessible to you.
Addiction creates a need for more and more. He may know that you don’t like him viewing porn but he still needs his drug, so he will find ways to get high without you knowing.
5. The laptop, phone, tablet has an erased history or has applications like ‘incognito’ on his laptop, which allows him to use the internet without any trace. In order to protect his supply, he needs to hide where he has been online.
6. He seems distant or withdrawn. He is highly critical of you, your appearance, your habits.
He seems to enjoy finding things wrong with you. Addicts resent reality. Real relationships take work. Porn requires only a click of the finger. Real life has highs and lows. Porn offers only highs.
7. He habitually comes to bed hours after you do, or gets up in the middle of the night for an extended period of time. When questioned, he might complain of insomnia or admit to Internet surfing.
8. Unaccounted-for cash disappears from your accounts; he may insist on having sole domain over your finances. Addicts avoid transparency in regard to finances, time and behaviors.
9. If you confront him with suspicions, he tells you that “you’re crazy and controlling.” He often describes former partners this way as well. In order to remain active in an addiction, an addict needs to find fault outside of themselves.
10. His time is often unaccounted for, and he is frequently unreachable by phone for hours at a time. If you do suspect that your husband is hiding his porn use from you, you may calmly voice your concerns, and ask your husband to join you for a treatment session.
If he denies a problem, seek help yourself as you will need some ‘sanity’ breathed into your life to blow away the confusing fog that addiction creates.
The best attitude to have with your husband is one of firm resolve that YOU are going to move forward and heal, regardless of what he chooses to do.
Sisters, you don’t need to be caught in hopelessness. You don’t need to try harder. You don't need to feel broken. You don’t need to wear the shame. You just need to understand what you are dealing with, and know the strategies that will actually work to bring intimacy and trust back into your marriage.
Don’t hesitate to check in with us at firstname.lastname@example.org if you are feeling uncertain about your instincts or are wondering how to move beyond the betrayal and shame.
I would love to walk beside you in your journey to healing and wholeness!